Toodeloo

Yes I am going off for a mini vacation to do nothing all day long :)

I will miss reading everybody's blog (its so addictive!)

Parting is such sweet sorrow. XOXO

Comic: courtesy of gndgnor

Grrr

This sums up my feelings today.

I woke up happy but the day ended up bad because the loan guy told me I might only get half of the loan I asked for. He looked entirely too cheerful so when he asked me what am I doing this weekend in KK? Holiday?

I told him, with a smile, I'm going to a friends funeral.

Hah! That wiped the annoying grin off his face.

Break my heart why don't you

I was too busy to post here today but when Charles called to say he can't get me my cherry, tutti fruity & mint shisha flavor I was crushed! I have to pour out my anguish.

I'm so sad I could cry. I was so looking forward to it... do I have to drown my sorrow in ice cream again Charles?? You want me fat don't you?!

What about choices

Preface: I forgot that forgiveness is greater than revenge. We're only human. People make mistakes. I'm allowed to make mistakes, but the actions I took in rage haunts me. Its my life. It's my choice who I let in it...

I have no inspiration to write today. I went to despair.com (thanks cls) for a little 'pick-me-up' & found this one that fits me at this moment :)

Who/what is your destiny?

Knock somebody down with a feather

Preface: Insane people are always sure they are fine. Don't try to be perfect. Just be an excellent example of being a human. Am I or are the others crazy??

I don’t know how or even why anyone wanna knock somebody down with a feather. It’s beyond me. And who keeps feather in their purse instead of pepper spray? I’d like to knock someone’s head with a hammer at the moment. Today the X sent me a message wishing me Happy Chinese New Year! Wait a minute; I’m not Chinese and neither is he. So I really don’t see the point at all. My happy balloon is holding very well. I’m mostly amused by his antics. He should spend his free time practicing his singing I think.

Anyone you feel like knocking today?

Its not a lot but its life...

Preface: Take that! You misrable rat!

I can now ponder on something that has been on my mind but too afraid to contemplate too deeply about. We all know that life is a constant revolution. It is only predictable in its steady force to move us on. The force that we needed since it’s hard to let go of our comfort zone, something dear and familiar. Its amazingly difficult to face the fact that someone doesn't love you anymore, especially when you know for sure that you are the greatest thing ever invented. But apparently not to him :( Is he blind or just plain dumb as i'm now discovering all men are, according to uselessmen?

Whatever.

People say it takes amazing courage to put yourself out there and love someone.
And it’s harder to let go of someone you love. And it’s harder still to hang in there when the love is no longer there.

What is this? I get the first 2 sentences. But the last? WTF? Fight for the love that is gone? I know some people who are willing to hang in there even when their partner is doing hanky panky with skanks pretty bad things. Yes when you think about it, it is amazing (at least to me) some people can love so deeply that they can forgive transgressions that are, from my point of view, simply unforgivable. Being in love doesn’t mean you have to sell your dignity does it? Is this what it boils down to?

On the other hand, one friend thinks that “hanging in there” could simply mean holding onto the feeling not the person. Accepting the pain and all, letting things be. Moving on with life ;) and not giving up on love itself.

I do believe that it takes tremendous amount of courage to know when to stop loving someone. Not because the feeling is not there. But because maybe something is missing. Maybe the attachment is gone. Maybe there’s no more giving & taking. Maybe there no more reason to share. It could be the distance. It could be the annoying way he sings(don’t try to find reason behind the reason, it’ll only hurt you).

Simply take things in stride. Let life push you forward. Take 2 aspirin and keep out the children *winks*

Hubble bubble the day away

Preface: Aaaa... hookah. Pass it around the table, share the laughs and drink frothy milk tea with friends. Its gratifying indeed.

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.

During our life we will be crumpled up, dropped and stepped on by our own mistakes or by circumstances. Some people might even get a worse deal.
You might feel worthless. But no matter what happened remember that you are special and will never lose value.

Life after VD

ok so maybe i'm a monster to be laughing my @$$ off when looking at this murder victim. This is just too good to pass hehe.... maybe someone drank too much last nite and accidently shot the poor little devil ;) Or maybe one useless guy didn't give his lady bird a VD present, got the boot, spent the nite outside and then let his anger out on this poor tyke. It's possible that a blind man was practicing his archery skills and accidently shot him (or is it a her?)

But anyway people, lets take a moment of silence to give respect to this un-fortunate soul.. *snickers*

Va... va... voooom

Preface: It's the day to ask the stupid question. ... "How much do u really weight honey?"

It’s Valentine’s Day! Oh what to do? What to do?

I was checking my mail when I got to my shop today and suddenly a chat box opened up and there is it my ex wishing me Happy Valentine’s Day. Imagine my surprise. Then I started laughing cause there was the last conversation history above it and the last thing I sent him was ‘You’re a jerk!”

I am happy to say that today I discover I am no longer angry (no we’re not back together). Life is beautiful indeed. This is a day for celebration for many reasons not just to celebrate lovers.

Starfish don’t have brain. Weird huh? Wonder if they have feelings…

The scream-machine life

Preface: Pursuing happiness is a choice. Joy is attained by consciously making yourself positive and its up to you your expression of happiness. No mailman is gonna deliver it to our doorstep neither will Santa drop it thru the chimney.

Tuesday hororscope:
Someone close to you is going through some major mood swings right now, so beware that a giggle may turn into tears with little (if any) provocation. Do not take it personally if you seem to trigger this sort of surprising reaction. There are a lot of things going on that you may not be aware of, and these extreme changes in behavior are the start of a trend that may rub off on you. Ride your emotions as if you were on a thrilling roller coaster: with your hands held straight up!



I love the thought of riding my emotion as if i was on a thrilling roller coaster.... Its a great way to look at life ya. Short & exciting!

If my cousin was here I'd say she's the "someone" thats going thru major mood swings. And if she was a cancer and this was her hororscope for today, she'd say I'm the one with the moods.

Today I kept myself so busy that all I can think about is going away to see my best friend, Zy who lives 6 hours drive from my place. She's been there on all the roller coasters that I rode before and (if God permits) I hope she'll be next to me on any future roller coasters I take. I hope I can clear my desk this week and get a vacation next. I can already imagine me n Zy lounging at the beach with our chocolate ice blended. Or lolling at the waterfront with Reza, smoking cherry shisha and drinking hot lemon tea.... ohh!!! I'm packing my bag tonite!!

The Chill Pill - My roller coaster

The high high was my first love, the little bump in the middle was my brief "summer" fling *sighs* it was very sweet and exciting, the last hill was my time with my recent ex... I have always loved the loops on any roller coaster, it's the best part I think and that's where I am heading now *winks*

What you may not realize as you're cruising down the track at 60 miles an hour is that the coaster has no engine...

A: "Do you need help??"
B: "Don't we all??"

Joyful.. and don't look at me like that

Preface: It's snowing still. "So it is." "And freezing." "Is it?" "Yes," "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.”

This is a poem by Khalil Gibran.

Somehow it soothes my soul. It reminds me that life is not all smiles. I have to remember that I have much to be thankful for. I thought this ache inside me that was once filled with the joy of his love is nothing more than emptiness… but it isn’t vacant. I guess its just sorrow. Mourning. Grief. It’s probably not fair to play the blame game just because I’m hurting. I had my fun so now it’s time to pay for it?? Heh! Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bitter. I’m resign. I’m just letting it be. Accepting.

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Does this have any deaper meaning that I can't understand??

We're here on borrowed time, waiting for God to call us back home.

Preface: Pooh to Christopher Robin "If you live to be a 100, I want to live to be a 100 minus 1 day so I never have to live without you:".

I went to my sister’s grandfather-in-law’s tahlil last nite. I rarely go to a ‘funeral procession’ because it seems to me very sad ceremony and I figure most people (like me) would like to mourn in private. I feel it a bit intrusive and a hassle to the mourning family to have to host a ‘kenduri’ on top of everything else.
But last nite I went anyway because this is the second death in the family. Last month this old man’s wife passed away.

My sister told me that this couple has been married for 65 years! I was flabbergasted when I heard this. I never really thought about it, I mean I know that they were really really old but have never connected it to the amount of time they live together as husband & wife. Can you imagine 65 years of love, devotion and commitment? It’s more than double my LIFETIME! I was a mess after my breakup with my bf of only 8 months. The pain was almost unbearable. I cannot even begin to imagine his feeling when he lost his wife. Maybe it’s no surprise that he passed on. I suppose he couldn’t live alone without his wife after all those years of knowing someone is there needing and loving you. After 48 days being apart, I’d like to think that, they are now together again in heaven.

I am willing to fight. Nothing will end this unless I refuse to go to this war

Preface: Maniacal is putting effort and efficiency on something without having goal.

I've decided to put more effort into being my old happy self again. I'm going to the movies today and watch whatever is on, even a horror flick would be preferable than rotting my @$$ at home. I have stopped blogging in my friendster's blog (it has only been 1 day). Mainly because I have been posting a lot of whimpering and gripe-y things.

After reading that frolicsome kid, I realize that the reason my posts are confusing is that because I have no anonymity there. My friends & family read that blog and there are certain ways they look at me. Its hard baring your soul to people you know because there is a degree of expectation they have on you. Therefore when I try to put across my thoughts and feeling within the limit of those expectations, I come up with crappy muddled up posts that baffle even me.

I’m also taking the time off posting in friendsters to read others blog. I appreciate the fact that there are people who check in on me by reading my friendsters blog. This is another concentrated effort on my part to reach out to my friends & family in order to make me ultimately blissful and in high spirit. I believe in karma and all that what goes around comes around thing. Secretly I am hoping I can come up with someone in my circle of life that has a somewhat worse life than I am having now… I know I’m an orge but hey wait a minute! Its human to feel this. Don’t tell me you never feel this way too… making it hush hush doesn’t make it untrue.

After reading a few blogs already, I find that I am indeed somewhere between pathetic (making myself happy is not working well here) and worthy. So ok I might not be having the worst life but neither am I having the great life I used to have. I crave the old life as much as I crave for cherry shisha. I am so impatient that once I’ve decided that I want my old existence back, I want it now!! Whoever said Time will heal, is clearly jobless and has too much time to spare.

I’d be happy for suggestions to make life seems happier. Just make sure its cheap and effortless and I’ll try anything once ;)

So is smoking hookah / hubbly bubbly/ shisha really bad?

Sharon Stone was right: "Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships."

Ok I know I said that I’ve decided to be happy… somehow it’s so darn hard. Furthermore I’m more crushed by the possibility that I might not get my cherry shisha L

I need to let go some stuff. I have my closure already. Logically I know all these are normal feelings and I don’t expect sympathy or compassion (I think everyone has had enough of my whining)

This is horrible. I don’t want to be feeling like this. But I honestly can’t help it.

The last few days of my “relationship” weren’t so hot. It’s just a lot of weird. I was haunted by thoughts about our “rship” and I have been questioning his love in my head. We talked like strangers on the phone and it adds onto my doubt. I did ask him if he wanted to breakup he said No. He said “I love you” after every conversation. Then suddenly he decided that he doesn’t anymore. How is that? I would like to know how this works. I know when something is not there then its not there. But I want to know the process that takes place. What method did he use to just change it. At this point I couldn't care less about the why. I wanna know the HOW!! Because personally I am having a hard time turning off this “love” or whatever it is I am feeling. Maybe someone can shed a light on this.

Self Diagnosis

This unsettled feeling I am experiencing can't be due to jetlag. I find myself in constant search of contentment. It’s driving me up the walls. No painkiller can touch it. After a self-diagnosis, I am pretty sure that I do not have any mental disease. U understand what’s going on with me. U recognize this "thing" inside. U have the knowledge of its cure.

I am tired of feeling this. I am angry at the injustice of it all, furious that my dreams are no more, sullen because I can't seem to get rid of the void inside. I want to be normal again. I don’t want to be like this. Don’t want to feel this. I want to forget.

Mostly I am tired of pretending to be ME when I don’t feel like it.

The impatient has no time. This is not me. At the end of the road when I have finally found myself it will be a better Me....

But for now there is just this weird bereft feeling. Like everything is up in the air and you know when it lands it will be different but you can’t really put you finger how.