truth about me

i got a call from an old friend. someone i havent seen in 8 yrs. 8 yrs ago, we did not part on good terms i'm afraid.

we were both so very young and hot blooded? or is it hot headed? haha. he was my best friend. we go everywhere together. went to class together, ate together, watched movies together, studied together. although the i'm not sure how much knowledge we were able to put inside our heads when our study time was full of silly talks, card games and many other distractions.

with so much of our time spent together, it was not impossible to predict he fell in love with me i guess. he was the first guy to have fallen in love with me and i was his first love. my first reaction was shocked, mostly because at that time i only thought of love as something that happen in sappy movies. i did not return his feeling and with great ignorance thought that things between us will be back to normal. it never did. and i realize now, that he needed time apart from me as he was trying to deal with his feelings. looking back, i did not give him the time nor the patience he needed to sort it out. i was a lousy friend. instead of compassion, i showed him my anger. my anger at losing my best friend. my misplaced anger. i blamed him for falling in love with me. what an insensitive idiot i was. i refused to see him after that. his effort to make peace i ignored completely.

2 years after that and again a year after, he asked a mutual friend to send his apology to me. apology? he lost his best friend and at the same time got his heart trampled upon. IT SHOULD BE ME BEGGING FOR HIS FORGIVENESS. what an arogant bastard i was? and here in this very blog i keep whining about how other people have hurt my feelings. never once have i thought about my old best friend and his feelings.

out of the blue, he called me. with a cheerful hello and asked me how i was. I WAS FLOORED!! he sound as if we're BFF(!!!). i was happy to hear from him. we steered clear from talks about our "breakup" at first. then i thought we're adult enuf to talk about what happened. so why not? and we did. only after that did i realize what a cold unfeeling monster i was (maybe still am?).

i was happily going through life pretending to be a good person when in fact i'm not so nice. i was wailing about the callousness of my ex bf when what i did to my best friend was worse.

CP thank you for never giving up on me. thank you for showing me what kind of person i was. thank you for giving me another chance to be abetter friend.

feelings are fragile. treat it with care.

Unsettled

for days now i have this unsettled, restless, unsteady feeling that something is not right in my life. i go through the motion my daily grind and deep inside i still feel empty. maybe its an accumulation of many small things that is slowly building up into a volcano eruption thingie.

what could be the root of my discomfort? is it buried deep in my subconscious? i should be able to access MY subconscious rite? now, if i can only find the right password *sighs*

maybe i am not doing and thinking according to my real self? my core principles? am i? who is my real self? what is really important to me? maybe unconsciously, my actions are conflicting with my emotion.

i am trying awfully hard to fill in the gaps with trips to places where i can be with my friends. because sometime being alone is... well, lonely.

i feel guilty for feeling lonely. because i know God is always there for me. i forget that i am never alone. but sometimes, even in the middle of a crowd i can feel so alone.

is this The Journey of self discovery that i have been waiting for since high school? am i finally gonna come out on the other side of this and recognize who i am? what made me ME?
does this makes any sense?

Right To B WronG

Preface: Wisdom is recognizing a mistake when you're just about to make it again

Human makes mistakes. Its normal, we do it everyday. We fail to do what we promised, or perform tasks imperfectly. In the aftermath of a mistake, we often feel ridiculous, flawed, imperfect.

Our culture taught us that we're "bad" when we make mistakes. And those unfavorable expressions are painful to us because we, by nature, yearn to feel accepted, loved & cherished. Therefore we're willing to do anything to avoid mistakes and experience hurt.

But by making mistakes doesn't make us bad, dumb or worthless. It just means that we are wrong. And being wrong simple mean that we don't know the right answer or that we're not knowledgeable enuf to apply what we know into practical life. We're all still learning. Isn't it true that we have to be wrong 10 times, 100 times, 1000 times before we can be an expert? Can you play the guitar without making a lot of mistakes first? Can you become a sharp shooter without making a lot of misses? Can you love someone without making lots of mistakes? Mistakes are inescapable as we learn.

The worst thing we can do when making a mistake is hide it. Cause then you are fated to repeat that mistake. But admitting ones' mistake is not easily done. And the thing is, some people will criticize us. But if we stick to being honest, then maybe, just maybe, people will accept us as who we are.

I hide from my mistakes a lot of times. You could say I run away from my mistakes. I ignore them, deny them, and worse, try to blame them on someone else.

We really are imperfect. Not one of us is abdicated from flaws. So why not admit that we're most often, not just occasionally, WRONG and enjoy the freedom of being human :)

I have a little heart within me
And I like to bring him out of
His prison and carry him on the
Palm of my hand to examine him
In depth and extract his secret.
Aim not your arrows at him, lest
He takes fright and vanish 'ere he
Pours the secrets blood as a
Sacrifice at the altar of his
Own faith, given him by Deity
When he fashioned him of love and beauty.


The sun is rising and the nightingale
Is singing, and the myrtle is
Breathing its fragrance into space.
I want to free myself from the
Quilted slumber of wrong. Do not
Detain me, my blamer!
~Khalil Gibran~

Wonderful Weekend

Preface: A cat will be your friend, but never your slave.

Wouldnt it be fun to be a cat? They have that sexy walk and with 9 lives(!!!), i'd be a daredevil and would still live to tell the story.

I just found out that my cat (Spot) loves cheese. My mom have been training her to eat it. Why? I have no idea. But it is fun to throw pieces of cheese at Spot. She's give me this evil look and slowly eats the cheese. hehehe. Its convenient too. Whenever we're out of cat food, i can just fix myself a grilled cheese sandwich and a plate of cheese for my little buddy.

Spot is a very good listener. She seldom disagree with me. Everything I say seems to be right for her. She understands me a lot. I think she can read my mind. A lot of times when i'm feeling crappy & alone, she'd just sit on my lap and demand to be pet.

But i have to admit, i dont think i know about Spot as much as she knows about me. I cannot imagine whats going on in her tiny little mind. But i do love her bunches.

BFF

Preface: Friends arent jumper cable. you dont pull them outta the trunk only when theres an emergency.

A wise friend told me that the friends you make during asasi (foundation) will be your close friends thru uni. Now years after graduating I realize he's right. I miss my old asasi classmates and friends, i keep in contact with them and we try to meet a few times a year. My classmates during my degree course was fun but not as memorable.

That 2 years of asasi was one of the highlight of my life. I was free from the confines of high school and home but not quite an adult yet therefore free from the burden of responsibilities. It was my first taste of freedom and was as sweet as honey on my tongue.
Now almost a decade later, I know that never again will i feel that degree of freedom i felt then. Responsibilities seems to come as age increase *sobs*

My best friend / roomie at uni got married last month and seeing the old gang again was exciting. Everyone seems to look the same. no one seems to age! its amazing :) this month i'm going to make effort to see some other asasi friends ... there goes my savings. i suppose happiness is not cheap *haha* Keeping my friends close seems to make me feel less lonely and more loved.

I love all my friends. My high school buddies, my asasi classmates, my new friends, my adult friends, my blog friends and my sisters and cousins!

Thank you FRIENDS. For your time and attention, no matter how short and small, I would like you to know that it is appreciated. You are indeed angels on earth

The power of thinking without thinking

Preface: Tears are sacred. Think of it not as a sign of weakness but of power. It is more explicit than a thousand words.

You think its not there anymore
Then during one soundless morning
It comes to you gradually
Piece by piece
Until you realize
Tears rolls down your face


Maybe its because I'm a girl and so more emotional. Or maybe I'm in denial I can't believe its over still. I'm going crazy.

I think I'm still in love. Why is it so hard and taking so long to get rid of this feeling? Will ripping my heart out of my body help? Do I really have to wait and wait for Time to do its magic?

What about these quotes?

• Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own
• Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to
• A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.
• Letting go is one way of saying I love you
  

Ok I agree with all of them. I let him go, I had no choice. He didn't love me anymore. So where is my prize now? Don't I get anything for opening my heart in the first place? Don't I at least rate second place for giving up a piece of me? What about a consolation prize for the crying in the darkness routine? I deserve something other than this dull ache, don't I?

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul-hurt.

I know letting go is for the best. And no matter how much it breaks my heart, I know I did the right thing.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

Why SomeTaiwanese Should Never Be Allowed To Travel.

I saw a few old women standing on coral with their fins and just talking with each other, chilling, ignoring my warning about the dying coral beneath them. WTF??

One man complained that the microwave in his room is not working properly. Weird thing is, theres no microwave in his room and when housekeeping went to have a look he was trying to cook his instant noodles in the safe box!

Unfortunately I was once on a plane thats bound to Taiwan via KL (i was going to KL) so the plane was full of 'em. An old guy kept asking the flight attendant for a lighter while the flight attendant tried her best to explain that its a non-smoking flight.

This really happen to me :) its so weird....

What is it?

Have you ever felt like your heart drops down onto your tummy? And when your heart hits your innards, your liquid-insides sloshed around making you feel nauseous, then somehow your brain are not working properly, as if those liquid short-circuited the wires of your brain. It impedes your speech , making you sound like a bumbling idiot. Is it love or cooties?

OMG! I just got a call this morning from this boy whose friend was hitting on me (it was a bit annoying but sweet). Turned out he's my nephew (the boy not the hitting friend). Haha.. He doesn't look like my pretty cousin one bit. Maybe he takes after his dad, whose face i cant seem to recall at the moment. He apologize profusely after discovering I'm his aunt. Its a bit flattering that they think I'm younger than my actual age. Maybe I have to start looking my age hmm..